Even the most sex-positive, open-minded people get embarrassed about their fantasies sometimes. It’s normal, in a world that tells us our sexuality is a force to be suppressed and silenced.
However, just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s what you should aim for, or what you want. If there’s a fantasy that keeps tugging at you, but you’re too embarrassed or shy to bring it up with a partner just yet, here are some suggestions for ways to get more comfortable with it…
I mean, obviously. But don’t just replay the same few hot seconds over and over – actually go through the scenario in your mind, from start to finish. Explore all its nooks and crannies, all the ways it could go wrong or right, all the things you find hot about it and all the things you don’t. Once you’ve explored the scenario thoroughly, you’ll have a much better sense of what you want out of it – if you even want to enact it at all. (It’s perfectly okay if a fantasy remains a fantasy!)
Sometimes a fantasy hinges on specific words that really do it for you in the right context: “pathetic,” “daddy,” “punish,” “cock,” “spank,” etc. Some of these words can be difficult to say, because of cultural shame attached to them, or even how they relate to your own psychological history. These taboos are often the very thing that make these words hot! If you want to start incorporating them into your sex life, practicing saying these words is a great jumping-off point. Even if you just speak them aloud to yourself in your car or at home at first, that’s still something, and it’ll still help.
Porn, erotica, fanfiction. Even if you can’t find something that captures your exact fantasy, viewing this stuff will at least help normalize the thoughts and feelings you’re having, so you’ll no longer view yourself as a freak or an outlier, if you were. Bonus points: it’ll give you lots of super-hot masturbation material!
There’s a whole wide world of sex-positive people out there, if you just look for ‘em! Listening to sexually open-minded podcasts, reading raunchy sex blogs, and even following sex educators on Twitter can help open your mind further. The more you can make yourself and your desires feel “normal” to you, the more comfortable you’ll be with yourself and all the deliciously pervy things you want to do.
Websites like FetLife and Alt.com can help connect you with other dirty-minded folks, as can certain kink-focused subforums on Reddit and other discussion sites. You can also use FetLife to seek out kink community groups and events in your area, so you can commune with other kinky folks in person. No matter how weird you think your fantasies are, there’s always someone with weirder fantasies, so meeting those people and seeing that they are actually just people might help you feel better about the things that make you tick.
Once you start feeling ready to open up to a partner about your fantasies, you might find textual mediums an easier way to broach the subject than face-to-face communication. True, an in-person convo might be warranted for discussing a new kink that could genuinely freak someone out or confuse them – but for something tamer, sexting can help you seamlessly slip your desire into a pre-existing sexual narrative you’re building with your partner. Maybe, if you’re lucky, dropping that hint about rope bondage, spanking, or professor/student roleplay could get them thinking about how to incorporate your kink into in-person sex. And then you’re off to the races!