As a society, we’re moving toward a view of sexuality that is less binaristic and more spectrum-esque. Our culture is beginning to grasp that you don’t have to be totally gay or totally straight, completely masculine or completely feminine; you can exist in the grey areas in between, and many of us do!
This grey area exists in the realm of kink, too: you don’t have to be 100% vanilla or 100% kinky. In fact, the paradigm of kink as a closed-off, elitist realm for sexperts is harmful to vanilla-identified folks who might enjoy kink a whole lot if they knew it wasn’t an all-or-nothing proposition.
With that in mind, here are three common kinks, and some easy, low-pressure ways to give ‘em a try without necessarily going whole-hog right off the bat…
1. Impact Play
Impact play can comprise spanking, slapping, punching, flogging, caning, and anything else that involves one person hitting a part of another person’s body with an implement or a body part. Pain can be arousing and pleasurable because of the endorphins it releases, and the bloodflow it encourages to the genital area if you’re hitting a nearby area, like the butt or thighs. It can also be a turn-on for more psychological reasons: you can play with lots of different power dynamics as part of impact play, from “I need you take a few more hits for daddy, princess” to “You’re such a little pain slut; I know you love this!”
Easy ways to give it a try:
- As part of foreplay, lie across a partner’s lap (or have them lie across yours) for a traditional hand spanking. Using a 1-to-10 scale to verbally rate the pain of each hit can be helpful at first, when determining how much pain the recipient wants to receive.
- Go to a kitchen supply store, hardware store, or general store together to search for “pervertibles” – regular ol’ household objects that can be (safely) used for more devious purposes. Wooden spoons, cutting boards, and hairbrushes are good go-to’s!
- During sex, the top/dom can establish an ultimatum – e.g. “Don’t you dare talk back to me again, or I’ll have to slap you across the face!” This gives the bottom/sub an opportunity to incite their partner if they consent to being hit, without needing to “break character” to ask for what they want.
2. Exhibitionism and voyeurism
Exhibitionism and voyeurism are two sides of the same sexually nosy coin, and many people are into one or both. It can be exciting to show off your sexual prowess and attractiveness, or to observe other people’s.
Easy ways to give it a try:
- Log onto a cam site together and put on a show for some internet strangers! If you’re worried about anonymity, you can always wear a mask, cover up any identifying features on your body (e.g. tattoos), or just angle the camera cleverly so your faces aren’t in the shot. Watching onlookers pile into your chat room, and reading their comments, certainly fans the flames of one’s sexual ego!
- Watch each other masturbate. You can either do this openly (e.g. sit facing each other on the bed) or set up some kind of scenario where one partner is “secretly” watching the other (e.g. hide in a closet and watch your sweetie jerk off – with their permission, of course!). Besides being hot and fun, doing this can also teach you a lot about how your partner likes to be touched.
- Invite a friend! If you’ve been considering arranging a ménage à trois, bringing in a third person just to watch can be a good intermediary step. You can find such a person on dating sites, hookup apps, kinky social networks, or perhaps just by tactfully asking around in your friend group. If your city has a local swingers’ club or kink venue, you could also try going there to meet singles or other couples who might be interested in a “look but don’t touch” type of encounter.
3. Consensual Non-consent
Consensual non-consent is essentially rape roleplay – the difference being, of course, that real rape is nonconsensual, while kink with a trusted partner must be built on a firm foundation of ongoing, enthusiastic consent. Many people enjoy this fantasy because they find it hot to feel helpless and powerless, or to imagine that someone would want them that badly. (It’s important to note here that enjoying rape fantasies/roleplay does not at all mean that you actually want to rape or be raped, or that you are a bad person! Your fantasy life is your fantasy life.)
Easy ways to give it a try:
- Pick a safeword together. It can’t be “Stop,” “No,” or anything along those lines, because those are exclamations you’re likely to make as part of the roleplay. Some people like to use “red” and “yellow” as stoplight-esque code words for “stop immediately” and “slow down/I’m getting close to my limit,” respectively. Some people prefer to use an uncommon word that doesn’t sound like any other word that’d come up in a scene, like “cinnamon,” “helicopter,” or “Oklahoma.” Whatever you choose as your safeword, it’s a good idea to practice using it together, so both of you will a) remember what it is when you need it and b) trust that your partner would indeed safeword out of a scene if they needed to.
- So both partners are ready for and consenting to the scene when it happens, it may be a good idea to pre-schedule it. For example, you might agree to “surprise” your partner by being at their house when they arrive home from work, along with all the equipment you’ll need to “ravish” them.
- Some toys that can help you enhance and enact a rape fantasy might include wrist cuffs, bondage rope, or a ballgag. If you do cover or gag a partner’s mouth in any way, make sure you establish a “safe signal” (e.g. snorting like a pig, letting out three high-pitched squeals in a row) because they won’t be able to say their safeword if they need to.
What kinks and fantasies are you curious to explore?